Before I start I want to say I am now on medication and have received professional help. It is not an option for me to rehome these cats as I will explain later.
To start off i am 16 and still live my parents, I have lived all my life loving dogs, cats and other animals. But I had a problem with my 2 kittens, they are both 10 weeks old now, and for a week or two I abused them physically. I have no idea what I did to them, it would always be a black out, one second the cat doesn't accept me and the other laying on its back, panting.
Before going further, let me say that I am now clean, I have received help and am now on medication. I want to clarify this so no one says to rehome the cats: My parents don't know what happened and I have no intention of telling them.
Now whenever I am around or interact with them, they crouch down and stare at me. They don't run, they just stay very still. They used to be amazing, whenever they smell my finger they purr instantly. Now after a lot of petting nothing happens. This is justified as they have no reason to trust me. I really want them back, I know that socially they are fine, since when my dad or brother pet them they instantly purr so that's only me. I need help to let them trust me again, this time there will be no reason for them to mistrust me for the rest of their lives.
A thing I am trying and they are sort of responding well to is playing with food throwing it and them running off to get it. When this happens one of them lets me pet his back and start purring. The same cat is also very scared of me when I am walking around, he just sits and doesn't move. They also eat food out of my hand with no issues.
To summarize, I am a changed human, I was disgusting before and I still have to carry that disgust with me forever. But I just want my cats again and this time I will never lose them again.